My mom passed away in August. My heart still cringes at the thought of her, or a memory. Sometimes, I’ll drive in my car on my way to work or just out and have a memory of her pop up into my mind. Then I can’t help but want to cry.. There’s not a day that she doesn’t cross my mind. I’m sitting in my bed crying as I’m typing this. I’m trying not to, but the tears can’t help but fall. I miss her so much, and I never thought I could. I think back to all the things that happened in my life, and I ask why ? Why and how could this much happen to just one person ? Why am I still alive to go through this ? How do I deserve to live ?
You know, people think I’m so strong but I’m not. I just got so good at suppressing and throwing the sad thoughts and the past and the things that hurt me the most in the back of my mind. I do it so well, sometimes I could actually forget until someone does something to remind me. Lately, it just gets harder and harder. I fall shorter and shorter.. I feel sad, and empty, more than ever.. and I don’t know what’s wrong with me . I don’t know how to make the feeling go away. I don’t know how to put this thought in the back of my mind anymore. It’s a constant feeling I try so hard to rid of but can’t. I carry it around with me all day every day.
Thanksgiving ? I don’t have much memories of. I’ve always been alone, and when the holiday comes around I feel alone just as ever. I think about all the people I’ve lost in my life, and all the things that went wrong.. I know I’m supposed to be thankful, but for what ? For the life of heartache, and tragedy. I hate myself. I hate myself so much, and I don’t deserve to live. How can I be thankful for something I don’t deserve in having ?
& These thoughts and doubts all circle back to one question. Why do I exist ?
I’m not doing much with my life but being an ungrateful girl, so why doesn’t this life go to someone who deserves it ? Who will make somethings of themselves ? I struggle. I struggle to think or to find a reason for my existence. I’m working so hard to live a decent life, and I can’t get to it. I can’t get anywhere. All life throws me are more blocks in my way. Losing family, getting into accidents, getting into law troubles, dealing with things that aren’t for me to deal with… but I have to ? How am I suppose to get anywhere ? If this is a life to live for the rest of my life, I’d rather just quit now.
I guess I just really wish someone would tell me that it’s okay. That doing all this now, all this struggle will be worth it in the end. That the days will get better, that I’m only working for something greater at the moment.. That someday I will do something that will change someones life for the better. That I just won’t let all this pain and heartache go to waste. That there’s a bigger purpose for this ?
Though, right now.. it doesn’t seem like that. It just seems like this is all it is.. this is all that will happen, and keep happening. I’m just suffering through this time, until someone could finish off with killing me.
I’m so lost in this world.