// O8.15.2O12.//

My mom passed away in August. My heart still cringes at the thought of her, or a memory. Sometimes, I’ll drive in my car on my way to work or just out and have a memory of her pop up into my mind. Then I can’t help but want to cry.. There’s not a day that she doesn’t cross my mind. I’m sitting in my bed crying as I’m typing this. I’m trying not to, but the tears can’t help but fall. I miss her so much, and I never thought I could. I think back to all the things that happened in my life, and I ask why ? Why and how could this much happen to just one person ? Why am I still alive to go through this ? How do I deserve to live ? 

You know, people think I’m so strong but I’m not. I just got so good at suppressing and throwing the sad thoughts and the past and the things that hurt me the most in the back of my mind. I do it so well, sometimes I could actually forget until someone does something to remind me. Lately, it just gets harder and harder. I fall shorter and shorter.. I feel sad, and empty, more than ever.. and I don’t know what’s wrong with me . I don’t know how to make the feeling go away. I don’t know how to put this thought in the back of my mind anymore. It’s a constant feeling I try so hard to rid of but can’t. I carry it around with me all day every day. 

Thanksgiving ? I don’t have much memories of. I’ve always been alone, and when the holiday comes around I feel alone just as ever. I think about all the people I’ve lost in my life, and all the things that went wrong.. I know I’m supposed to be thankful, but for what ? For the life of heartache, and tragedy. I hate myself. I hate myself so much, and I don’t deserve to live. How can I be thankful for something I don’t deserve in having ? 

& These thoughts and doubts all circle back to one question. Why do I exist ? 
I’m not doing much with my life but being an ungrateful girl, so why doesn’t this life go to someone who deserves it ? Who will make somethings of themselves ? I struggle. I struggle to think or to find a reason for my existence. I’m working so hard to live a decent life, and I can’t get to it. I can’t get anywhere. All life throws me are more blocks in my way. Losing family, getting into accidents, getting into law troubles, dealing with things that aren’t for me to deal with… but I have to ? How am I suppose to get anywhere ? If this is a life to live for the rest of my life, I’d rather just quit now. 
I guess I just really wish someone would tell me that it’s okay. That doing all this now, all this struggle will be worth it in the end. That the days will get better, that I’m only working for something greater at the moment.. That someday I will do something that will change someones life for the better. That I just won’t let all this pain and heartache go to waste. That there’s a bigger purpose for this ? 
Though, right now.. it doesn’t seem like that. It just seems like this is all it is.. this is all that will happen, and keep happening. I’m just suffering through this time, until someone could finish off with killing me. 

I’m so lost in this world. 

// I had gotten into a car accident, a week ago..//

The truth ?  
 I kind of wish I had died in that car accident..
    Life is so hard. 

// Sometimes I wonder, //

If it’s that I can’t keep people around me for a long period of time .  What is the trouble with me, that I can’t maintain or keep relationships  ? Whether it be love, friends, or family. I don’t know how to go about it. I get close to people, and I’ll fck it up. I’ll intentionally push them away, while unintentionally doing so. Not what my heart wants, but my actions tend to do with out my control. With out my consent. I am immune to good relationships. Everyone leaves me at one point or another. & I’m always left to question, what have I done wrong this time ? Am I this screwed up, or am I not the only one. I get so broken up about my past, that I keep living in my own unhappiness. Do I do so, because this is my comfort zone ? Do I continue to live this way, because I’m afraid to be happy ?  I don’t know why I’m hurting people, which ultimately hurts myself.. I don’t know what I’m doing.. I just know I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to live like this forever. 
I’d rather let god take me, then to keep me here.. this is torture.

Ultimately, you are entertained by my suffering… because all these paths you have led me to. Have ended with disaster. I just want to cry myself a river, and drown in it. 

// Uncertainty//

Lately, I’ve been going back and forth in my mind about everything. Now I’m not sure if it’s just the normal libra thing to do.. weighing the pros and cons.. but this has really gone to an extent. I question everything. I’ve had these goals in the past, where I set them and accomplished them. When I accomplished them, I did not feel content or satisfied. As if no matter what I did or do, I’m still left feeling like something is missing. Something isn’t right. I don’t know what to do for myself in order to be genuinely happy. I try working hard, getting money, so I can satisfy myself. I’m not. I’m unhappier than ever, and I seclude myself. I’ve been so insecure lately, because of my weight gain. Ideally, I would be okay with it.. but everyone is pressuring me. With my parents telling me I’m fat, or have gotten fatter.. and my terrible eating habits. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve gotten so weak, I want to fall into the pattern that I did when I was younger. I really don’t want to resort there, but these pressures.. how good it would feel again to feel that burning sensation. 

So I decided to make a new blog. The original blog, ” Daily Dose of My Mind ” .. had turned into something I never imagined. I thank you for all those who follow that blog, I really appreciate the love throughout the years. If you had followed me from the start, my blog wasn’t always like it is now. It used to be deep, with serious posts. About life, and everything that goes through my mind. My every day fight, every day situations, and every day thoughts. It had slowly turned into something that I just put into a couple words I would put in the title and bam, a post was created. Well, besides all that.. here I am. Trying to bring back the old writer in me. I hid away for awhile, after my losses, my love, and all along those lines. After all that has happened, in the past two years.. I’ve lost myself so much, here I am.. trying to regain myself. In mind & spirit. I’ve always believed I’m a deep soul, not to sound dramatic by the way. That’s how I was. If you’ve clicked on my links to, ” story behind the girl “.. about my family and my past with my parents and the general upbringing.. this is what this blog will kinda be like. Except, I will mostly be talking about the present.. and from time to time I’ll connect it with my past about how the cause and effect came about. Here you go. 
If you read all this, here I shall say..

Welcome to my truths.